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silly_kait
07 November 2006 @ 12:39 am
I’ve been having a hard time at work recently. without going into the whole stupid song and dance of it all, I missed a shift and got taken off the schedule. after two weeks I was allowed back on, I worked for two weeks, then mysteriously got taken off again this past week. Way to be, Mardi Gras, for dicking me around comme ca, right after having major (elective) surgery during the week rent is due and ON MY BIRTHDAY. thanks for that.

so meanwhile, I’m officially 25. I’ve been seriously evaluating my future as a writer recently. I’ve got big decisions coming up about how I want to handle the end of school, and my mood and inclinations are as changeable as a playlist. lots of indecision, with an unhealthy dose of distraction& avoidance. I wish I had someone who would make me pancakes right now. there is not enough comfort in my box of wheatables.
 
 
Current Mood: restlessrestless
 
 
silly_kait
12 October 2006 @ 04:28 am
it was nice, just now, to get a reminder (via a phonecall from skenecktedy) that even though kaitlin thinks she is a complete idiot fuck up, there are still people out there who see her (me) as someone completely different.

which is no kind of segue into the fact that i seem to have given up on blogging, or it gave up on me, yet ehre i still am. livejournal? this is so not a me thing. i wish i had the knowhow to build my own damn page. but first i have to get some shit straightened out in my "real world" life, out there where i have no bed or couch or any furniture at all, just a pretty nice apartment and many stacks of books in a place where i hardly ever am. cause where i am is...

floating out in space. with david a lot. at school. absent from work over a stupid policy. i'm too tired for this to be any kind of a makeup for months and weeks of nothing. let's bathe in mediocrity! hooray! at least last night during some intense insommnia i managed to write a poem i liked better for the last assignment than my first try. so.

ya just never know, i guess.
 
 
Current Mood: restlessrestless
 
 
silly_kait
08 September 2006 @ 06:04 pm
"i'm sexy.
i'm a scholar.
people like me."
 
 
silly_kait
06 September 2006 @ 06:05 pm
i signed a lease today.
 
 
silly_kait
i'm delving into jung for the surprisingly first time ever today; i'm not even though skimming the introduction when my thoughts have blossomed into a dozen diretions of interrelated connections between his ideas and bits i've read elsewhere by authors like cs lewis and madeliene l'engle and james redfield. it's been awhile since my mind changed philosophical shape. this used to happen with such amazing frequency in my old life. can this place {atlanta, the dirty south, third lowest state in the country 's education ranking} be the void i've found it so far? or is it my standards of measurement that need to be recalibrated, to read for completely new, unexpected possibility.

all night my gaze scans the room, dowsing for sparks, for the allure of an unidentified quality sought, like a reflex, ... . it occurs to me to ponder work, what i'm compensating for, and how this translates, socially, societally, psychologically into needs and wants and balance and all this crazy motion and energy through time and space.
 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
 
silly_kait
26 August 2006 @ 05:17 am
a guy who i've served a few times and gotten to know a bit deeper than most was in tonight, and he really disappointed me by asking me out. not that it's surprising to get asked out at work, because it happens realistically about 3 times a night (guys who sincerely want totake me on a date, that is), but i wasn't expecting this person to succumb to the illusion of the smiling waitress as a potential real-world girl presence. i mean, it's my JOB to look attractive and solict ordrs and act in such a way as to be rewarded solely by the whim of the individual. so i'm friendly and helpful and genuinely myself, yet at the same time i'm acting, just like any other person around me. not in such manipulative ways maybe, and certainly not as overt or purposed or calibrated about it, but, nonetheless, ... i will appear single; i will appear fascinated by whatever it is we happen to be saying, and ys, i will often spout off smartass banter and the basic nature of my intelligence will be reflected in my convcersation (if you are paying attention) but;

i'm not haveable, doable, or possessable. These moments are fleeting, and when they are gone, your face is a blr in the sequence of nights and their ash smudged alcohol soaked footweary flirtatious spin on the wheel.

so where was i. um.
*steping off the soapbox*

anyway- this guy is 46, and should know better.

which brings me to a random mental swerve, a rant tat i've been waiting to spit out somewhere:

what is with the guys who pick you up IN TRAFFIC, OUT THE WINDOW OF THE CAR?????
seriously, does this ever work?? i cannot for the life of me imagine a scenario in which i would take anyone who does this seriously.

i thought i had more to say, but my words are feeling internet-shy. or maybe just obsolete in the face of obscurity.
 
 
Current Location: living room
Current Mood: hungryhungry
 
 
silly_kait
24 August 2006 @ 11:49 am
i think i've been having some weird dreams lately, from getting such patchy amounts of REM sleep. classes started this week, and i DEF wasn't ready. i mean, i had the classes i wanted, pretty much, but my mental state was pretty far away from an academic resolve. i hadn't changed my work sched. yet and didn't think ahead to how incapable i would be to attend class at 11am after getting home at 4am.

so i dunno. this is my senior year, i'm employed, i have some money in the bank-- things are pretty good i guess, i just feel really disorganized about it all. and i feel like i want to turn around and walk back to the northeast, and really get to spend time there for awhile. but then i remember how hard it is to deal with winter....

i'm about to get started really writing, seriously, for the first time i think. this should be an interesting school year....

...this was just my immediate reaction after just checking my email, and for once i actually typed it out instead of intenting to write later.
 
 
Current Location: naked
Current Mood: workingworking
Current Music: china - chris holmes
 
 
silly_kait
16 August 2006 @ 04:45 am
My last two nights of work have been so miserable that tonight I will share something completely different, a la monty python.


On July 26th I wrote this in an email.
Subject: heartbroken

* * * *

for the past 8-9 days, i have had a large chunk of my belongings in david's car. because: my mom doesn't want my stuff in her house, the storage space meg and i rented is full, and i am between apartments for the month; not to mention the fact that david's room is a leetle too small for both of us to be in (and we are happy having two places to live and get to be in right now too), so the fact that his trunk is full of shoes, pictures, books, etc actually has made more sense in the past week than spending all the energy bringing it up (plus with a visitor recently, i've had less time and been pretty fucking tired from work).

here's where the subject heading comes in:
this morning after david left for school, he came back inside to ask me if i had driven his car recently.

because it was gone.


as in, POOF, not in the space where he had left it, no trace, nothing, just emptiness in a car shaped hole.

apparently, stolen.

the worst part:

the hard drive of my dell was in his trunk. (as in: computer i replaced my old iMac with, which i have been using ever since 2001, and which has all my music, photos, emails, school work, and personal writing on it from.... well, since, ever. (because of what happened to anything that came before it.)

so now, once again, i am facing the disappearance of a priceless, irreplacable possession....
and i don't know how to survive this one too.
* * * *

Now here comes the happy part of the story. Over three weeks later, in the middle of my trip to new england, David and I were communicating by phone in order to get some shit taken care of that i had been unable to finish before leaving. And during a particularly stressful conversation, he says, "Well, I wasn't going to tell you this until you got back, but they found my car.



and your stuff was still in it."

And that, my friend, is what restored my faith in the universe, and perhaps even in my greater purpose as a human being, because as of a few days previous, i was facing the very hard reality that I could not continue to pursue the goals that have become the fabric of my future ambition; could not begin all over again; did not feel capable of dealing with such a great loss as my entire body of work and still follow my somewhat underadmitted dream of being a writer.

perhaps hope IS a feathered thing after all.
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated